The Vastly Inappropriate Exploits Of
by PhWoMp
Summary: Come, gather round, as I tell you the tales of a powerful guild. Their misadventures are just as grand and enjoyable as their triumphs. These are the vastly inappropriate exploits of Fairy Tail. [Collection of Short stories]
1. Prologue

**~The Vastly Inappropriate Exploits Of...~ **

**FAIRY TAIL**

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_Disclaimer: I do not own Fairy Tail, or any of it's characters._

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**Prologue **

In the beautiful land of Magnolia, there lived a large guild, called Fairy Tail. It's mages were legends around the magnificent town, but not all stories were that of heroism and bravery. Oh no. For you see, Fairy Tail was a guild filled with perverts, idiots and creepers; sure, they were exceptionally powerful, and loyal beyond belief. That didn't change the fact that these particular mages could sometimes do and say ludicrous things.

I shall tell you the legend of these men and woman of Fairy Tail; the most powerful, crazy and idiotic individuals in all the land. Gather round young boys and girls, but beware; for the tales that I weave are no lies, but the actual accounts of the vastly inappropriate exploits of Fairy Tail.

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_**Just a very short introduction to my newest collection of short stories! These are going to be based off of very dirty jokes or experiences, so if you're easily offended or hate horrible jokes, this isn't the story for you! **_

_**I'm always willing to take suggestions, so if you have an embarrassing joke or story, let me know and I might just make it into a chapter! I will try to update everyday! **_

_**Hope you enjoy!**_


	2. Chapter One: Natsu Dragneel

**~The Vastly Inappropriate Exploits Of...~ **

**Chapter One: Natsu Dragneel**

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_Disclaimer: do not own Fairy Tail, or any of it's characters._

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He spent hours admiring her from across the guild, cursing himself under his breath for what he was about to do. Usually he would just let his spontaneous personality take control and never think twice about what he says, however this was difficult for him. He had never said anything so rash and stupid in his life, and this was coming from the mouth of Natsu Dragneel. Why did he go to that lecherous asshole for advice? That's right, he had more experience with this shit, not to mention he knew what his crush liked. He had a bad feeling about this, but desperate times call for desperate measures. He wanted to make his confession unique, he had planned to make it romantic, but was advised against it- strongly against it. Loki was very clear with his instructions- woo her with words, and not just any words would do.

He had spent the entire night rehearsing the lines that Loki had given him, nausea and disgust filled him every time the words tumbled from his lips. This just seemed wrong, but Natsu knew that no matter what he said or did, she was always forgiving. He prayed that this would work, he couldn't stand holding back his feelings any longer.

He had mentally scolded himself time and time again for not just shouting out his desires as he always had. This whole thing could have been avoided; the sleepless nights, the awkward silences between him and Lucy, the constant need to attack anything or one that came within 3 feet of the woman. It was starting to get out of hand.

He sighed deeply one last time and stood to his feet. He walked swiftly and silently towards the beautiful blond mage that was sitting at the bar, a drink in her hand and a smile on her face. The knot in his stomach grew tighter and for possibly the first time in his life, he was feeling a little over-heated. He leaned his head forward, so that his lips brushed the side of her neck right under her ear.

"Natsu!" the sudden presence of the dragon slayer startled the blond. Before she had the chance to turn and face him, his arms reached forward and trapped her between the bar and himself.

"Please, Lucy. Don't shout, just listen," he whispered gently into her ear, his gut twisting uncomfortably, "I have... I..." he stopped to take a breath. Lucy tilted her head slightly, just enough to look him in the eyes. Fuck, he wished he could just kiss her and get this over with. Wouldn't that be the best move at this moment?

Big, brown eyes bore into his onyx, he knew it was now or never. So with all the courage he had, he spoke the rehearsed dialog.

"I... I hope you like dragons..." he could feel the blood rush to his face, as he forced his tongue to spill the last of his speech, "Because I'll be... dragon my balls across your face tonight..."

The next few seconds seemed to pass by in a haze; one second he was staring into the paling face of his secret crush, the next he was on the floor, lying in a pool of his own blood. The shrill shrieks of his partner sounded over head, but none of it was registering with the crippled dragon. Before he passed out, the smirking face of Gajeel appeared before him, his laughter booming harshly in his ears.

"Classy, Salamander! Classy!"

And that was the last time Natsu Dragneel took love advise from Loki.

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_**I hope you enjoyed this first chapter! I kinda wanted to make this one about Gajeel at first, but I have so many ideas for him later on! **_

_**Please let me know what you think, I know that this is OOC, but I am more interested in making ridiculous stories than I am keeping everyone in complete character. Let me know if this was a good start! **_

_**~PhWoMp~**_


	3. Chapter Two: Jet

**~The Vastly Inappropriate Exploits Of...~ **

**Chapter Two: Jet**

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_Disclaimer: I do not own fairy tail or any of it's characters._

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He loved to run. It was no surprise to anyone in the guild, considering his magic. He usually started off his day at the crack of dawn with a nice relaxing hour- long jog, followed by a 2 sometimes 3 hour run. It was a great way to unwind. At about 8:30 in the morning, he would quickly and quietly make his way over to the Fairy Hills complex to check on his favourite mage. Of course, she knew nothing about this.

Jet had been secretly peeping on Levi for many years (Obviously excluding the 7 year time jump), and had grown to love the woman even more fiercely in the process. She was the object of his affection for very as long as he could remember, and the thought of losing her again broke his heart. So he decided he would dedicate himself to the task of watching his beloved every morning. When Levi was alone, she would completely let go of all fronts; no more shame, no more insecurities, no more clothes...

Okay, so his real motives were a little more sinister than just checking in on the bubbly bluenette- sew him. He was a devoted, loyal man, and had urges like any other male. He simply decided to handle himself a little more... openly, when it came to those urges. When she had disappeared, so did his only way of relieving himself; he really, truly knew the meaning of 'blue balls'.

This morning started off as every other, he started his jog feeling good. For some reason however, he had this nagging feeling in the back of his mind that maybe he shouldn't go to his lady love; as if there was something potentially dangerous there. That couldn't be, Fairy Hills contained some of the most powerful mages in the guild, including -but not limited to- Erza Scarlet. It wasn't possible for anything dangerous to come within 30 feet of the structure without alerting the women inside. He shook it off and continued forward.

After a nice long run, Jet had nearly finished his morning routine, only one thing remained. With a large grin plastered on his pale face, he made his way to Levi's apartment. As he approached the building, the nagging feeling he had earlier resurfaced, but stronger than before. It was almost powerful enough to waver his deep devotion to his mission, but he managed to find the courage to carry forward to his destination.

He approached the building silently and cautiously, make sure not to make a sound. If any of the woman were to spot him snooping, he was positive he would be castrated on site. He climbed up into his usual spot in a low hanging tree and took a seat. He sat hidden among the branches and leafs and awaited his beautiful goddess to open her window. As he waited, he prepared himself; 5 deep breaths, stretching his fingers, twirling his wrists and undoing his pants. Jet wasn't a foolish man, he was always smart enough to keep his pants on. There could be no greater shame than being caught with your pants around your ankles, except getting busted with your dick in hand. He pushed those thoughts from his mind and concentrated on the window before him, watching her petite silhouette dance across the curtains. This was it, he was about to get what he had been waiting for!

As the curtains slowly started raising, his hand moved swiftly to the south, and his eyes focused with new determination. He could see the beginnings of her creamy legs, the fabric of her light blue panties, the smooth porcelain skin on her back and soon the back of her head. She was a magnificent sight, everything about the small script mage drove him crazy. He started his extra curricular exploration, waiting for the best part of the show- full frontal nudity. Levi turned her head towards the window and smiled, the speed mag leaned forward, his eyes unblinking and his hands hard at work.

"Almost there," he murmured to himself, "Just turn around the rest of the way baby, do it for me."

As if she could hear him, she started to turn around. He could barely contain himself, his hands picked up speed, his eyes widened and his smirk broadened. Just before Jet could get his morning treat, something large obstructed his vision. He was confused, and it took a full minute before he really registered what he was seeing:

A great, big gander at a large, hairy set of male genitalia.

Within seconds, his dick flat lined and his jaw dropped. Who the fuck was in HIS woman's bedroom? Naked none the less! His answer was quickly answered when the bedroom window flew open and a thick, muscular arm dragged him forward- Jet was now face to face with a very pissed looking Gajeel Redfox.

"If you ever come here and peep on the shrimp again, I will be sure to rip that pathetic dick of yours off and feed it to that fat bastard you call 'Droy'. Do I make myself clear?" his deep crimson eyes bore into the frightened man, Jet could barely manage to breath, let alone try to argue. He simply bit his trembling lip and nodded.

"Good boy," a smirk spread across the dragon's face, "I won't tell her what you have been doing, unless I catch you again."

"Ho-ow did y-you manage t-t-to see m-me?" he finally managed to utter, his stuttered doing nothing but forcing a chuckle out of Gajeel.

"You absolutely reek of sweat."

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_**Hope you guys enjoyed this! I know that it's later than expected, but I work nights and sleep during the days , so things are kinda all over the place! **_

_**Happy Canada Day to any Canadian people reading this! **_

_**Let me know if you have any ideas and I will try my best to create a story about it! **_

_**Thanks! **_

_**~PhWoMp~**_


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